The Way You Communicate is Costing You Connection, with Jason VanRuler (S09-048)

 

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What if the reason your closest relationships feel stuck isn't about how much you care — but about how differently you and the people you love communicate? Today I sit down with Jason VanRuler, therapist, Enneagram Two, and author of Discovering Your Communication Type: The 5 Paths to Deeper Connection and Stronger Relationships, to discuss his P.A.T.H.S. framework — five communication styles he identified through years of working with couples navigating betrayal, teams in conflict, and individuals trying to understand why the same words land so differently depending on who's in the room. Those five types: the Peacemaker, the Advocate, the Thinker, the Harbor, and the Spark.

We explore the Enneagram connection — because yes, the nine types do map fascinatingly onto these five communication styles, and we walk through each type together. We talk about blind spots (every communication style has one), what happens to our style under stress and in conflict, and why the most generous thing you can do in any relationship is learn to speak your people's language rather than demanding they speak yours.

Jason also shares honestly from his own marriage — he's a Harbor married to a Thinker — and what it looked like to stop reading his wife's precision questions as opposition and start hearing them as her version of love.

Whether you're an Enneagram enthusiast, a couples therapist, a team leader, or just someone who's tired of feeling unseen in conversations, this episode is for you.


 

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ABOUT JASON

Jason VanRuler, MA, CSAT, is a psychotherapist, author, and nationally recognized speaker specializing in communication, attachment, and relationships. He’s the author of Get Past Your Past (Zondervan, 2023) and founder of a thriving private practice. Known for blending insight, story, and strategy, Jason leads workshops, retreats, and intensives that explore the patterns shaping how we connect, lead, and thrive. His work creates space for clarity, growth, and lasting change. He lives with his wife and three children and enjoys travel, cycling, and fly fishing.

 
 
 

PLAYLIST BY ENNEAGRAM TYPE

TYPE 1 | TYPE 2 | TYPE 3 | TYPE 4 | TYPE 5 | TYPE 6 | TYPE 7 | TYPE 8 | TYPE 9

 
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